poetry - Holy | Nicole Blackman

4th February 2012

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Holy | Nicole Blackman

I eat only sleep and air

and everyone thinks i’m dumb

But i’m smart because i’ve figured it out

I am slimmer than you are

And I am burning my skin off little by little

until I reach bone and self

until i get to where I am essential

until I get to where I am

Food doesnt even tempt me anymore

Because I am so full of energy and sense

I can even pass by water now

Because I am living off the parts of me that I don’t need anymore

I could feel the slow drips of pain before

swirling inside where my lungs should have been

now i’m clean inside

I threw out hundreds of things that I didn’t need anymore

All my dresses and bras

Stupid things like jeans and socks

Most days I float thru the house naked so I can see myself in the mirrors

I have hundreds of them everywhere

And they talk back to me all the time

They keep me true and pure

They make sure I’m still here

When I knew what I had to do

I took all my notebooks, all my manuscripts

And ate them page by page so I could take my words with me

I can finally control my life and even death

And I will die slowly like steam escaping from a pipe

This is my greatest performance

and all of the actresses who won my parts will say how wonderful

to let yourself go that mad

how wonderful to go on this kind of journey

and not care if you come back to tell the story

I scratch words on the walls now so people will visit this museum

and know how someone like me ends up like this

(they’ll say there is art in here somewhere)

Everything that comes out of me is sacred

every fingernail, every eyelash, every hair

starvation is sacred and i scratch my bones against the windows at night

I light candles and feel myself evaporate

this body is a little church, a little temple

You can’t see me now because i’ve gone inside

My family doesnt call anymore

My friends don’t call anymore

You can’t hurt me anymore. They can’t hurt me anymore

Only I can

And that’s okay

I don’t need them anymore. I can live off me

I speak to me. i dance with me

I eat me

When they find me, I’ll have a little smile on my face

And they’ll wrap me in a white cloth and lay me in the ground

and say they don’t understand

but I do. I don’t hurt anymore

I’m not lonely anymore. I’m not sad I’m not pretty anymore

I made it through

I feel so holy and clean when i stretch out on the floor and sing

sometimes god comes in for a minute and says i’m doing fine

I’m almost there

Tagged: Nicole Blackman eating disorders poem poetry